Analysis of the Daemon Dragons of Depression, Part 1

I want to examine WHY I refer to depressive episodes as battles with dragons, and why I call depression the daemon dragon (with many heads, no doubt!).

Depressive episodes are periods of time with varying lengths of feeling lower than a snake: I have often said that I could wear a top hat and still walk be under a snake. Depressive episodes ARE NOT a couple of blue or sad days. Depressive episodes are feeling like I'm in the bottom of a dark pit with no way to get out: if I try, I'll only become entangled in caves where dragons hang out.

I feel the depressive episodes in my body; sometimes in the form of darts attacking me in the middle of the night, sometimes waking up in the morning feeling as though a Mack truck has run over me, and sometimes spending a lot of the day thinking negative, sad, miserable thoughts about my self and how I've lived my life. Plus every single bad thing that has ever occurred in my life haunts me during those dark days. I obsessively go over each thing until I think I'll go stark raving mad if I continue. My thinking is skewed: there are times when the strangest thoughts go through my mind. Even if someone I don't know stares at me, I'm convinced they can "see" my evil insides. Now THAT'S strange, 'cuz I know in my heart and mind that I am NOT evil by nature or behaviour.

Why do I use the term depressive episodes? Because the feelings that overwhelm me, sucking energy and love from my life, do not actually totally disappear when I'm NOT depressed, but I can in fact handle them with logical thinking. The depressive episodes I have now last fewer days than when I was a teenager who had NO IDEA what the hell was happening to me when I'd go into a depressive time. Episodic depression seems so much easier for ME to handle than the thought that I live in a depressed state ALL the time. I do not live depressed all the time: I have great days, days with joy and laughter, and love too! Nobody can live depressed all the time for years on end: if we did, we'd end our lives to end the misery.

So who are the dragons?

Hopelessness: Nothing I have done, do, or could do will EVER change ANYTHING in my life. When I'm battling the dragons, the whole event takes over my entire life. I quite often become the depressed person when I'm disappointed with the outcome of whatever decision I made, so guilt and blame come into play as well. Whatever choices I do make won't be any better. In fact, they'll only get me further into troubles. Kind of a sad way to live, isn't it? No wonder some people are successful in suicides when they are depressed! Who wants to live in a world where hope has disappeared?

Negativity: The core dragon and it's as though there is a withering fog weaving all through the days of my life, from past to present, and what hope is there to even wish anything good for the future, based on past defeats and trials.

Isolation: I feel as though I have nothing in me worth talking about, or being around others. Who the hell do I think I am? Besides, if I leave my home, I'll wind up bursting into tears for absolutely no reason and make myself look even more foolish! What a strange dichotomy of thinking: I don't want to look foolish for people who don't even care about me because I'm unlovable and unremarkable in the first place? THAT'S very convoluted thinking.

Lack of self-esteem: I always felt that anything I ever did was never good enough as a youngster, that I simply cannot ever be good enough in my life: in no area in my life do I even have a chance to be good enough.

What, exactly, does "good enough" mean? Hmmm . . . I do not live up to these impossible magical standards I make up. Seriously strange thinking.

Darkness: No joy or laughter and no ability to conjure up those feelings. No interest in doing anything that I’d normally do: from cleaning dishes to clearing up a room to talking to people on the telephone. Certainly I would not answer anyone ringing the doorbell! There is a permeating sense of no sunlight and no happiness possible, ever.

There are more, but I am going to stop for now before I accidentally call up any of those dragons I've been writing about: I have learned some lessons and now know when to stop thinking about the daemon dragons, even analytically.

I use the term daemon, spelled that way purposefully, to remind myself that it is an old-fashioned concept, but with great evil intent against the purpose of my life!

And remember, DRAGONS are mythical creatures. They do not exist except in our imaginations. While there may be some substance to the concept of large flying creatures who hide in caves since scientists now believe that birds are adapted dinosaurs, the flying dragons of our nightmares and stories certainly do not appear in any form in real life now, other than the feelings I get when depressed.

If I get inspired and feel safe enough not to go into the dark caves where I might lose my sense of direction, I'll analyze and write more about depressive episodes and daemon dragons as I see, feel and experience them. Physical illness leads sometimes to depressions, as do stress and exhaustion, so I'm going to stop now because I‘m currently not in a strong physical place.

Love to all, and I'm hoping that each of us will find a personal epiphany in this analytical expression of the darker side of life.